I Ain't Missing You
by Enchanted1
Summary: You guys wanted it...Sequel to Emotions/Goodnight. Enchanted's exit from Spot's life seen from his point of view. Second story in Emotions trilogy.


Disclaimer: Spot Conlon doesn't belong to me, neither does the song "I Ain't Missing You." I'm not making any money off of them either, obviously.  
  
A/N: I actually wrote this a long time ago. I didn't know whether to post it or not or leave "Emotions/Goodnight" as is. When I got a number of reviews asking me to continue, I thought, why not? And then I decided that it would be a trilogy. So here's the second set in the Emotions Trilogy. Enjoy!  
  
Sometimes, the loneliness isn't so bad. Sometimes, I feel like I can go through the whole 24 hours of another depressing day without even thinking about you. But then, I'll walk across the bridge, or be shuffling Race's deck of cards, or even arguing animatedly with someone---anyone---and you'll flash across my thoughts like a shooting star illuminating the darkest corners of my mind.  
I never meant to break your heart, if that's what I foolishly did. Yeah, I knew that breaking it off with you could probably make the list of top 100 mistakes that idiotic men make, but you had to see it from my point of view. You loved me so wholly, so definitely, as if nothing could ever tear you away from my side. It was partly your fault for loving me so completely.   
I sigh and amend that thought. No, it wasn't. I don't know anymore, whose fault it was. Maybe it was both of ours. All I know is that I was so scared. Not of you. Who could be scared of you? No, it was the feeling that swept through me so intensely, like a strong wave that would curl up off the ocean and tug at you, deftly forcing you under until you had to struggle back up to the surface for a breath of sweet air.  
They would come at the strangest moments, too. You would be at my side chattering about nothing in particular or in one of your rare quiet, pensive moods and I would casually glance at you out of the corner of my eye. And then the feeling would move over me, starting from my stomach and racing through my blood stream to my heart and then to my head, and then everywhere else in my body. It would render me powerless for about five seconds, and make me weak when the strange wave passed.  
It hurt, but I liked it. It never seemed to make a difference when or where it came, during the last few days we were together, my life was a constant swelling of this emotion. You would understand how afraid I was of it. After all, pain and passion go hand in hand, right?  
Sorrowfully, I shake my head. How many people were there that I had foolishly squandered my love away on that had never returned it? My poor set of parents (and I mean poor in both ways), my brother that died of consumption before I could fully understand death. And the beautiful, wealthy girl that broke my heart for the first time when she spat at me as I, a newsie that was only 13 and inferior to her, passed by her with a shaky smile. There were countless other times, but I don't prefer to think of them. I simply lock them away in myself every time that something like that happens. The room that I secure them in is getting quite crowded.  
But you were different. You loved me first as a friend, and that changed it all. And our relationship was unlike anything before. Frankly, it scared the shit out of me. I smile wryly, knowing that if my boys had any idea that Spot Conlon, famed leader of Brooklyn, was scared of something as tiny as an emotion, it would result in a good amount of respect lost.   
But falling in love was like playfully hanging off the Brooklyn Bridge and then losing your grip and dropping all the way into the river hundreds of feet below. At first you think 'I didn't mean to do that,' and then you think, 'This isn't so bad after all.' Falling doesn't hurt. It's the impact that does, and when you're a few feet above the water, you suddenly realize that the impact might kill you. And you think, 'I could die from doing this.'  
If only you were here. I could make you understand. Here I am standing outside my room in the Lodging House and staring at the crowd, not really seeing them, but seeing you. And I realize, like I realized so swiftly the night you left New York, that maybe if you had someone else to go through the impact with you, it wouldn't hurt so bad. But I couldn't tell you. You were gone. Far, far away from me, who was the cause of all your pain.  
Yeah, but you're strong. I see your smile play crookedly against those lips of yours and again, I'm thinking about you, wondering where you are. Once again, I'm having difficulty breathing as my heart speeds up and then I'm feeling very light headed.   
For a moment, I'm with you, wherever you are, my arms fitting around you, hearing (but not really listening) your voice as you babble about whatever gossip that is circulating through the Lodging House. But the moment passes quickly, causing me to catch my breath, and reminding me that you're miles and miles away from New York and from me.  
At first, I wondered why you left. I don't wonder anymore, because the truth is as evident as the afternoon sun that lazily hangs in the sky. The pain slicing through me starts up the storm that rages almost daily through my halfway frozen heart. I send a prayer to the powers that be to send you back to New York. And me.  
*************  
Every time I think of you  
I always catch my breath.  
And I'm still standing here,  
And you're miles away,  
And I'm wondering why you left.  
And there's a storm that's raging  
Through my frozen heart tonight.  
*************  
Last night, I heard your name being spoken by the 'Manhattaners', as we Brooklynites call them. They were talking about how they missed you and how they wished you would come back. And then Azure, your best friend, cursed the day you met me, her cerulean eyes flashing with anger and unshed tears. She ranted on for a while, uninterrupted, about how she knew that I was a dirty old rat and that I would undoubtedly hurt you one day. Her words were punctuated by Striptease, your other best friend, who nodded at every word that Azure frantically uttered.  
I should have reacted furiously. I was only a few tables away from where they were and I could hear every untrue rumor they dared to spread about me. I heard every word up till the point that Jack openly nudged Azure and pointed to where I was seated. The strange thing is I simply couldn't muster the anger required to blow up at them, the way the old Spot Conlon would have done.   
I heard your name being spoken by them, and I smiled, like I always do. Smiled twistedly and stared down at my table and thought about how damn pathetic I was being. My infamous temper had been reduced to this? Just smiling whenever I hear your name and harboring heartbroken feelings?  
It's funny. They all thought that I was immune to heartbreak. They all thought I was this debonair, free and handsome womanizer and that I went running around New York, snatching up all the pretty girls I could.  
But that was such shit. I love you, and I want you back, because not having you around me is driving me slowly insane. Every day, my ability to love slips away to wherever the hell you are, and I wish you were here, right by my side where you belong.  
*************  
I hear your name in certain circles  
And it always makes me smile.  
I spend my time,   
Thinking about you  
And it's almost driving me wild.   
*************  
There must be tons of hearts that are breaking all over this lonely world. I mean, long distances don't mean a thing for something like love. Even time can't deaden all feelings, no matter what you hear.   
We're connected by a nonphysical line that sometimes is so limp that I feel I can walk away from the memory of you. When I try, however, the agony yanks my heart back, and the truth remains as is...I'll never separate myself from you.  
I shake my head again. I'm being so pitiful. If you were here, you would have laughed at me derisively. You would have criticized me for missing you so horribly.  
So, I state to myself matter-of-factly, I ain't missing you at all. And I repeat that sentence over and over again and the words flow from my lips into whispers that disappear with the wind.  
*************  
And there's a heart that's breaking  
Down this long distance line tonight.  
I ain't missing you at all  
Since you¹ve been gone  
Away.  
I ain't missing you  
No matter  
What I might say.  
*************  
I hate you. I hope you can hear that wherever you are. I hate you for degrading me into a weak, little boy on the verge of tears. I hate you for knowing that you have this strange, ungodly power that you don't cease to exercise over me day after day, night after night.   
I hate myself even more. The years before you moved here, I was able to successfully jump from girl to girl, not feeling one shred of guilt. Until I met you. And suddenly, everything changed.  
Unable to stop it, a slow tear trails its way down from my glacial eyes, down my cheek and jaw. Furious at myself, I brush away the path it left with an angry stroke.   
I hope you can hear this message too. Please come back. You have no idea how hard it's become here. It's like everything is a constant reminder to you and me. People keep telling me to get over you. But that's kinda hard when everything brings you to mind.   
I can hear them chattering away behind my back. They say I'm not the same. It's the truth.   
Unhindered, I let the tears drop, let them retrace their sorrowful way down my face. It was even worse when you first left. I used to sob, hating you for causing me so much pain, and hating myself for feeling it. Now all I do is hold the weeping noises in and let them fall silently.   
You have no idea how much I need you. Hell, I had no idea how much I need you. Until you left. I curse at myself again; almost afraid to admit to myself how desperate I've become.  
I'm sure that in your world, I mean nothing to you. As you're off traipsing all over God-knows-where, I'm stuck here, in this empty city that lost all charm the moment you left its boundaries. I try to tell myself that you're having a miserable time, but I know otherwise. You probably found someone to replace me easily. So if you're out there somewhere having as much fun as your petite, 18-year-old body can handle, why am I constantly stuck here night after night, incapable whatsoever of anything connected to fun?  
I hope you know how much I hate you.   
*************  
There's a message,   
In the wild,  
And I'm sending you this signal tonight.   
You don't know,  
How desperate I've become,  
And it looks like I'm losing this fight.  
In your world,  
I have no meaning,  
Though I'm trying hard to understand.  
*************  
I wish my heart would stop breaking. I wish I could tear it away from that one hope that you'll ever come back. Because you won't. I know it, you know it, and this whole side of the Mississippi knows it.  
So why can't I just stop thinking of you? Why can't I just tell myself, I ain't missing you and have it done with?   
No matter how I might act or what my friends say, that's a phrase I keep repeating to myself. I ain't missing you at all.  
*************  
And it's my heart that's breaking,  
Down this long distance line tonight.  
I ain't missing you at all,  
Since you've been gone,  
Away.  
I ain't missing you.  
No matter,  
What my friends say.   
*************  
I bang my hand down on the railing of the balcony. Why the hell am I still feeling this? Desperate, I look up at the setting sun, nearly blinding myself in the process. I wish I could send you a message, a telegraph to your heart, so I could bridge the distance between us and stop all this heartbreak. I've had my damn share...   
*************  
And there's a message that I'm sending out  
Like a telegraph to your soul  
And if I can't bridge this distance  
Stop this heartbreak overload   
I ain't missing you at all  
Since you've been gone  
Away  
I ain't missing you  
No matter  
What my friends say   
I ain't missing you  
I ain't missing you  
*************  
I'm sure that a few years from now, I'll look back at myself and laugh. Hard. Not because I'm miserable and wretched, but because I have the audacity to keep lying to myself.   
The storm in my heart is drawing to a close. Enough patheticness for one day, I decide, and turn away from the evening sky. I used to think it was beautiful, but now it is like everything else, lonely and cold.  
Even as I'm burying myself in the bed covers, I still repeat that mantra in my head. I still ain't missing you.   
My last thought before I drift off isn't of the weekly poker game that I've missed for the past few months or of all the parties I've missed.  
My last thought is of you...  
*************  
I keep lying to myself.   
And there's a storm that's raging,  
Through my frozen heart tonight.   
I ain't missing you at all,  
Since you've been gone,  
Away.  
I ain't missing you,  
No matter,  
What my friends say.  
Ain't missing you.  
I ain't missing you,  
I ain't missing you,  
I keep lying to myself.   
Ain't missing you,  
I ain't missing you.   
I ain't missing you.  
Ain't missing you.  
No matter what my friends might say.  
*************  
The door banging open roused Spot from his deep sleep. "Whad da hell do you'se want?" he spit out at one of his wide-eyed newsies. "What time is it?"  
"Around one," the newsie answered promptly.  
"Well, whad are ya doin' in me bedroom interruptin' me sleep, dope?"  
"Dere's a rumor...dat Enchanted's comin' back. We heard it from Azure and Lady..."  
The rest of his words went unheard as the meaning of what he just said seeped into Spot's brain. His glacial eyes widened, and his fingers went up to reverently touch the round, silver locket that hung next to his key. Enchanted was coming back?  
"Wait a sec," he stopped the newsie from leaving the room with an outstretched hand. "How could dey know?"  
Caught off guard, the newsie started stammering. "Uh...uh...she sent a message?"  
"She don't have enough money or time to send a damn message. You ain't tellin' me da truth, are ya?"  
Uncomfortably, the newsie started fidgeting and stammering again, answering his question.  
"She's heah now, ain't she? She's up in Manhattan, partyin' wid Azzy and Lady, right?"  
"Actually," a voice broke in from behind the stammering newsie. "She's right heah."  
Spot smiled wryly. "Always da dramatic one, ain't ya, Chanty?"   
"Well, you know me." She stepped out of the shadows, letting the moonlight flow across her. Her jet-black hair had grown longer, almost falling past her waist in little rivulets. Her brown eyes were clear and happy, and she was tanner than she had ever been in the past.   
Spot, his body aching at the sight of hers, turned his eyes towards the bright moon. It was the only witness to this tryst of theirs, as the newsie who had brought her had stumbled away to leave the two alone.  
"I suppose you'll be needin' ya locket back, right?" Spot asked in fumbling tones.  
Enchanted memorized his figure, his boyish face and beautiful blue eyes, and the way his mousy brown hair fell in front of his face. He had taken his shirt off earlier, and this only served to make her weaker. His unclothed back made it almost too much for her to bear. "Keep it," she muttered through clenched teeth. "I was only passin' through." That, at least, was the truth. She had been drifting all over the place, wondering when the broken-hearted feeling would evaporate. The farther she got away, the worse the pain was. Finally, in desperation, she hopped a train back to Manhattan, wanting to see Spot's face again.  
The thought of Enchanted 'only passing through' shattered the rest of Spot's heart to pieces. She was already over him, he could tell. The tears swimming in his eyes vaporized, along with all of his common sense. "Oh yeah, Chanty?" he murmured in tones so soft that she had to lean in to hear it. "Well, just in case you came back ta hear dis, I ain't missin' you at all. Ya hear me? Stay gone, cuz I ain't missin' you."  
He remained staring at the moon long after Enchanted slipped away.   
*************  
I ain't missing you...  
************* 


End file.
